I find that most activities are a lot more fun when they are done on wheels, blades, a board or some combination of those three things. Why run in a circle, pushing people and yelling at them, when you can strap wheels to your feet and do it at least 5-10 MPH faster? This is a point about which I feel great passion. Were it feasible, I would argue that all people should be on some form of wheels, blades or boards at all times. Walking is so passe.
And speaking of walking, before we went to the roller derby, we hit up Madame Tussaud's House of Wax in DC. It was something we all wanted to see and , fortunately, something that neither Ben nor Lisa had seen already. With them living down there, I wanted to find things they hadn't experienced to do while we were hanging out. Wax statutes of famous people? Sign me up!
Ben mingled with Thomas Jefferson.
Lisa canoodled JFK.
And I gave Teddy Roosevelt whatfor.
I don't know whether or not you all know this, but Teddy Roosevelt was America's most badass president. he could beat Chuck Norris in an unfair fight. Walk softly and carry a big stick? Indeed Mr. President. Indeed.
It was the perfect pre-show activity for a night of roller derby action! For those who don't know, roller derby is a pretty hardcore sport - more so than it gets credit for. The game is played in several rounds lasting up to two minutes, known as "jams". There are two teams, skating against one another. At the sound of the first whistle, all but one member of each team starts skating and tries to move together as a pack. At the sound the second whistle, the last team member from each side will start skating -- these women are called jammers and they race one another to get to the front of the pack. The first person to fully round the circle and pass the pack becomes the lead jammer and can decide how long the round goes - either the full two minutes, or something shorter than that.
They skate like hair-gelled lightning.
I found myself greatly surprised at some of the structure of the game. For example, I honestly thought it was a cutthroat, punch or be punched situation. I have no doubt that pick up games are probably more like that than what we saw. That being said, organized roller derby has rules regarding what kind of hits you're allowed to put on someone. Not unlike football, hockey and the gentleman's duel, there are only a few legal moves - the rest results in a penalty. We did see some "illegal" hits - but it was clear that the women were trying to play clean.
The game itself is amazingly exciting and fun to watch, even if you don't really know what's going on. Points are scored so quickly - it doesn't take too long to pick up the structure and understand it. At first we cheered, you know, to fir in... but it didn't take long before we could tell by looking when the DC Rollergirls were besting those darn Canadians.
Notice the awesome nameage.
I'm not going to lie - the thing I liked the most about roller derby was how cool the nicknames were. Everybody skating had adopted a persona that they skated under - most of them PG-13 at the lightest. There was a certain theater to adopting a butt-kicking alternate ego on a Saturday night and then going back to normal life during the rest of the week. In that spirit... we decided to adopt some roller derby names of our own.
Lisa: Pharmacist by day, master of amateur anesthesia (by way of punches to the face) at night. She'll fill your prescription for pain. She is... PROJECTILE DYSFUNCTION!!!
Ben: He's Mr. Laid-back-smack-attack. He'll put you on the floor while he skates to the score. He's the jammer you love to hate like he loves to skate. He is... BEN-JAMMIN'!!!
Kristen: The one and only legal eagle, soaring to victory. She'll sentence you to five years of maximum hurt. She is... RUTH SKATER GINSBURG!!!
Yeah. Soak it in. We are a powerful kind of awesome. I know.
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