Dear sweet holy mother of all that is good and righteous in this world, may I never come to believe that this was a good idea again. Seriously. First of all, whoever tried to say that the little soy-composite-wood-chip-dogs were a substitute for hot dogs can just go jump off a ginormous bridge. Secondly, rice-soy-cheese-substitute-cardboard is an affront to my very womanhood. Thirdly, well, just, ew.
Kill it! Kill it with fire!
So, I get the whole moral opposition to meat thing. And by get it I mean that I choose not to think about it as I eat my delicious delicious steak. But living a day as a vegan absolutely shocked me. I'm guessing that most people who've read days 1-257 or anything in between will assume that I'm about to disclose my new found respect for vegans because of how hard their believed-to-be-noble sacrifice really is to maintain. Not exactly.
See, being a history nerd, one of the things I studied when I was in college was the phenomenon of the Flagellant. And no. That's not bodily humor. Flagellants were members of a movement in the middle ages known for self-flagellation (makes sense, right?). In case the word still isn't ringing any bells, it means they used to beat themselves with reeds and whips as a method of penance for wrongdoings. The idea being, I suppose, that God, who sent Jesus to die on the cross, would see the lash marks and think "gosh, they should go to purgatory, but they've suffered enough".
It goes without saying, now, that the practice is radical, if not borderline insane (ok, its all the way insane). Rather than reverence for the similar sacrifices of vegans, I found myself feeling like I was simply inflicting pain on myself for no reason. By the end of the day, I found myself vowing to kill a cow with my bare hands and just eat the whole darn thing raw.
That's right. Be afraid.
When I went to sleep I was starving, irritable, and I had a headache. More importantly, I didn't even succeed. So why they heck does this day still count? Because I imagine people actually trying to live as vegans must mess up on occasion as well so one little slip up isn't a big deal. I had myself some Worcestershire Sauce to make the vegetables I had for dinner not taste like, well, vegetables. Turns out it has anchovies. Sorry fishies. You are friends, not food.
Lastly, I noticed one other thing. I went online to look up whether or not Diet Coke was vegan. Turns out ingredients alone do not a vegan make. In looking for the answer (since I wasn't sure if any of the chemicals in it were animal derived) I stumbled onto a discussion of Coca-Cola the company. Apparently, since a series of unsubstantiated rumors comprising the "Killer Coke" campaign have claimed that Coca-Cola had union members in South America executed; Diet Coke is no longer vegan. Let that one sink in for a minute. Then it hit me. Really, unless I, you know, ate the union workers, I'm still basically ok. So... the Coke stays in the picture.
Classy.
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